I'm so depressed lol. none of my clothes fit me :)
Saturday, 5 December 2020
I'm so fucking tired :)
I've reached my LW; I'm thinner than what I was at 14, but yet I feel so horribly fat and disgusting I want to tear my skin off, and hold and squeeze the fat so that I can remind myself how worthless my weight is. I suppose an eating disorder never goes away, and those years where proana and promia were glamourised was absolutely fucking retarded. My ED happened because it was a coping mechanism for the shit I went through, and I'm still unhappy. I'll never be happy with myself. I don't want to look like an adult; the idea of looking like a 'woman' and being sexualised disgusts me. I have a small body, I have no 'assets' so to speak, but I bought and wear binders anyway so I can seem just that bit smaller and make sure nobody can think about my chest.
I don't think I could ever go somewhere to cure myself or get help from my ED because I feel too fat, and if I gained weight I'd hate myself, though I already loathe myself to the point of starvation and self harm. I want to reach my UGW of a BMI 14 and sit there in maintenance and self-loathing, and hope men don't think of me as something worth fucking. I hope they see me as someone frail or underage, and I'm determined to stay that way. I'm not sure I'll ever get well, and I'm not sure if I want to.
Monday, 28 November 2016
Fatspo: They think they look hot edition!
It's funny, I got almost all of these off tumblr under the rag 'bbw'. They think engorged, overfed pigs is attractive!
All of these girls think they look hot, but just looking at them makes me feel so sick I don't want to touch food again.
Remember, this is what happens if you binge.
Don't give up.
Don't be one of these slobs.
You are better than that.
Ana knows you are.
All of these girls think they look hot, but just looking at them makes me feel so sick I don't want to touch food again.
Remember, this is what happens if you binge.
Don't give up.
Don't be one of these slobs.
You are better than that.
Ana knows you are.
Sunday, 27 November 2016
Update on me
Marceline here, struggling to get rid of her disgusting bulimia, and a 5'3, 125lbs of pure, unadulterated fat.
Most my family members are tall, I think I'm so small compared to everyone because of these eating disorder stages I've had since I was 11 that have stunted my growth. People don't understand it when you talk to them either.
"Why don't you stop purging?"
"Why can't you eat trigger foods, it's just food!"
"Just stop thinking about it!"
People tell me this when I tell them of my secret or they discover it themselves. It's as if they think you can switch it on or off, like it's a mood, and they're so blissfully unaware that just looking at them makes you want to cry.
I've eaten too much today, and I'm thinking about purging as my disgusting, fat, and slobbish belly fills me with guilty feelings of 'full'. Of course it's the amount of food a girl would normally eat, but I know it's too much regardless, too much food to be thin, too much food yo be perfect. I remember thinking to myself when I was 13; "you can't kill yourself now, you're too fat to die."
And that's what I'm feeling now too. If I die, at least I can die pretty and thin instead of a 125lb mess of fat.
If you can't tell I really don't like myself. I need to be a role model, and be pretty and skinny because me right now is obviously not good enough.
Most my family members are tall, I think I'm so small compared to everyone because of these eating disorder stages I've had since I was 11 that have stunted my growth. People don't understand it when you talk to them either.
"Why don't you stop purging?"
"Why can't you eat trigger foods, it's just food!"
"Just stop thinking about it!"
People tell me this when I tell them of my secret or they discover it themselves. It's as if they think you can switch it on or off, like it's a mood, and they're so blissfully unaware that just looking at them makes you want to cry.
I've eaten too much today, and I'm thinking about purging as my disgusting, fat, and slobbish belly fills me with guilty feelings of 'full'. Of course it's the amount of food a girl would normally eat, but I know it's too much regardless, too much food to be thin, too much food yo be perfect. I remember thinking to myself when I was 13; "you can't kill yourself now, you're too fat to die."
And that's what I'm feeling now too. If I die, at least I can die pretty and thin instead of a 125lb mess of fat.
If you can't tell I really don't like myself. I need to be a role model, and be pretty and skinny because me right now is obviously not good enough.
Blog is going to go through some construction.
Marceline here (finally)
Yeah, I..haven't been on this blog for quite a while. Got Mia and I'm on my way to getting rid of her.
Anyway, no, I haven't really suffered major health effects. Fainting spells and vertigo aren't really anything compared to the constant dangers people bombard you about, so Mia didn't ruin my teeth, or break a hole in my oesophagus, or cause all my hair to fall out as many might have thought would happen.
I still don't recommend it, and just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it won't happen to you. Mia is not what I recommend because you can't tell for sure how many calories you purge, and stuffing food down your throat like a starved pig and smelling like vomit for hours later as if a reminder of your failure only concentrated by that added fear of being caught isn't something I enjoy.
I've realised this blog IS popular, though. So it wouldn't be fair if I just left it.
I'll update you guys on my journey and junk later
Keep strong guys
xx
Yeah, I..haven't been on this blog for quite a while. Got Mia and I'm on my way to getting rid of her.
Anyway, no, I haven't really suffered major health effects. Fainting spells and vertigo aren't really anything compared to the constant dangers people bombard you about, so Mia didn't ruin my teeth, or break a hole in my oesophagus, or cause all my hair to fall out as many might have thought would happen.
I still don't recommend it, and just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it won't happen to you. Mia is not what I recommend because you can't tell for sure how many calories you purge, and stuffing food down your throat like a starved pig and smelling like vomit for hours later as if a reminder of your failure only concentrated by that added fear of being caught isn't something I enjoy.
I've realised this blog IS popular, though. So it wouldn't be fair if I just left it.
I'll update you guys on my journey and junk later
Keep strong guys
xx
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