Most my family members are tall, I think I'm so small compared to everyone because of these eating disorder stages I've had since I was 11 that have stunted my growth. People don't understand it when you talk to them either.
"Why don't you stop purging?"
"Why can't you eat trigger foods, it's just food!"
"Just stop thinking about it!"
People tell me this when I tell them of my secret or they discover it themselves. It's as if they think you can switch it on or off, like it's a mood, and they're so blissfully unaware that just looking at them makes you want to cry.
I've eaten too much today, and I'm thinking about purging as my disgusting, fat, and slobbish belly fills me with guilty feelings of 'full'. Of course it's the amount of food a girl would normally eat, but I know it's too much regardless, too much food to be thin, too much food yo be perfect. I remember thinking to myself when I was 13; "you can't kill yourself now, you're too fat to die."
And that's what I'm feeling now too. If I die, at least I can die pretty and thin instead of a 125lb mess of fat.
If you can't tell I really don't like myself. I need to be a role model, and be pretty and skinny because me right now is obviously not good enough.
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