I've reached my LW; I'm thinner than what I was at 14, but yet I feel so horribly fat and disgusting I want to tear my skin off, and hold and squeeze the fat so that I can remind myself how worthless my weight is. I suppose an eating disorder never goes away, and those years where proana and promia were glamourised was absolutely fucking retarded. My ED happened because it was a coping mechanism for the shit I went through, and I'm still unhappy. I'll never be happy with myself. I don't want to look like an adult; the idea of looking like a 'woman' and being sexualised disgusts me. I have a small body, I have no 'assets' so to speak, but I bought and wear binders anyway so I can seem just that bit smaller and make sure nobody can think about my chest.
I don't think I could ever go somewhere to cure myself or get help from my ED because I feel too fat, and if I gained weight I'd hate myself, though I already loathe myself to the point of starvation and self harm. I want to reach my UGW of a BMI 14 and sit there in maintenance and self-loathing, and hope men don't think of me as something worth fucking. I hope they see me as someone frail or underage, and I'm determined to stay that way. I'm not sure I'll ever get well, and I'm not sure if I want to.
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